Is having a bf embarrassing? (Christian edition)

my reflections from this *interesting* season of my life 

Luke 11:42 🤍

Cashapp: $BMargielaaa

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey y'all, welcome to Eden Citizen. My name is Brie, and I think today's episode is gonna be super fun. Um, I will be telling y'all all of my business, as I have before, but today uh we're gonna talk a little bit about lessons I've learned being in a God-honoring relationship or doing things God's way to the best of my ability. Um, for the first time, I've kind of hinted at it prior, but um, I have been in a relationship and we just hit six months. And I would say that in the past six months I've learned a ton, and there's been a lot of growth. Um, and I just wanted to talk about some of like the niche things that I noticed because of course people talk about relationships, people talk about dating all the time, but at least I've noticed that oftentimes we talk about like the season where you know you're trying to figure out if somebody's the one, or you know, early on in that process, or we're talking about like marriage, like a really big spectrum. Rarely do I hear about that weird, you know, in-between season where you feel like this may be the person that you're supposed to marry, but you know, you're not married, and what do I call them? You know, how soon is too soon, like all of these things um that come up, and yeah, I kind of just wanted to touch on it a little bit. Um, so I have some notes here, and that should help me stay on track. But my first note is accompanied by a scripture. I'm gonna read Luke 11, 42. And this is Jesus talking to the Pharisees. He says, What sorrow awaits you, Pharisees, for you are careful to tithe even the tiniest income from your herb gardens, but you ignore justice and the love of God. You should tithe, yes, but do not neglect the more important things. So my first note is your partner is not your project. Um, I've mentioned it before, I think, but I am a recovering control freak. And I honestly didn't realize how much of a control freak I was until I got into a relationship. Um it's fascinating that I never knew I had these tendencies because honestly, I've always been someone who has been kind of type B, very go with the flow. I'm like never been a serious person. You can ask any of my friends, I've always been pretty unserious. So for me to get into a relationship and realize I have control issues is actually hilarious. Um, because that just never occurred to me that I would be someone who felt the need to control. But in talking to some of my friends and looking back, like I can totally see how I've had the illusion of control in being single or like totally single. I know that biblically I'm single. I've said that before. Um, because in the Bible, there is no boyfriend, there's no fiance, really. Um, there's just single or you're married. But when I say single, I'll be referencing before I met my partner. Even there, you see, I just find it weird to say boyfriend. I don't know, and maybe I'll talk about this too. But as a Christian, you say boyfriend, you just feel like people just people's ears perk up. They just they'd be like, you know, I don't know. It's it's been kind of a weird thing, and I think in serious spaces, it's just nice to refer to like someone who you're not married to as your partner. I guess it's just the appropriate thing to do. But anyways, before I met my partner, um, I did have this illusion that I was in control because I tried to control the things that I could control, and a lot of that came from like career. And again, in talking to some of my friends, specifically my ambitious female friends, um, we've all kind of identified with the idea that we could control our careers um and where we land. And, you know, you go to school for this amount of time, you get this degree, you get this certification, you can get this apartment, you know, you can get this car paid off in this amount of time, like kind of have this whole thing planned out. But when it comes to love and relationships, obviously, you know, you can't really plan those things out. You can't, you can have your like timelines, but there's really it's really hard to even convince yourself you're in control. And I say illusion because the Lord has been in control this whole time in my entire life, He is sovereign. Um, but I've I've almost felt this sense of, you know, okay, you know, his plan, specifically when I talk about things like career, has just happened to line up with my plan. And I've been like, okay, Lord, yeah, let's do it, you know. So, anyways, um, when you are dating someone and you're around someone so much and they're just not the same person that you are, because that would be weird. Um, there's this temptation to try to hop in the driver's seat constantly and be in control. And, you know, I think there's implications that come with that as a woman because you know, you can create a situation where you're making your partner very passive, and that's just not good. Um, but also you probably would clash with your partner if they're more like dominant. So it's just a lot that comes with it, but I say all that to say um that when it comes to you know making your partner your project, I've been guilty of this of like thinking this is build-a-bear. Like you ask the Lord, like, hey, I want this, this, and that. And let me just step back and say that I'm an advocate of he will give you what you want, like, you know, write it down, pray about it, make sure that your motives are in the right place and your desires align with the Lord's, he will give you what you want, like, you know, especially down to like details, like little characteristics, like you know, I've I have that in my testimony. However, I think once you get what you want and you need, naturally, when you're dealing with another person, no one's perfect. And instead of looking at their quote unquote imperfections and being like, well, why do I view that as an imperfection? Or, you know, what is what is triggering me about this person the way they do this, that I view it as such an imperfection. If you're a control freak, you immediately try to fix it, you immediately try to get in build-a-bear mode or like you know, contractor mode, you get your hammer, you get your screw, and you're gonna fix it. And you and your partner is not your project, they are not your Barbie doll, and you don't get to just you know clothe them, dye their hair, or cut their hair, you know, do what you want to do with them. Like this person came as a whole person before they met you. And to go deeper into this, um, I realize that, and I got this like phrase one time when I was just sitting in my quiet time, I am not responsible for my partner's sanctification process. And like, I think I struggle to even say that because I never want to communicate that you should be unequally yoked. But even in the Bible, like it says, you know, do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. Um, because I want to be accurate, it's 2 Corinthians 6.14. It reads, do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers for what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness. And I think that distinction is important because we've kind of rebranded unequally yoked to mean like if this person does not have the same convictions as you do, if this person does not go to the same church as you, if this person does not have the same walk and their walk looks different than yours, then you're unequally yoked. And I don't agree with that. And again, I don't think that that's I know that's not what scripture is saying because it's specifically talking about being unequally yoked with unbelievers. Now, definitely I think it's important to find someone who aligns with your values and who is pulling you closer to God and not away, but again, I think we've rebranded that to, you know, date someone or be with someone who is perfect and who is complete and whole and you know, completely at the you know, peak and maturity of their faith. And if they're not, then you're unequally yoked. And I've just realized that that's just not that is just not only is it like inaccurate, but it also doesn't allow for growth. Because you hear like married people talk a lot about, you know, when they got married, how sanctification happened because you know, you're growing in the fruits, you're growing in patience, you're growing in love, you're growing in kindness. If someone was the exact same way that you are, and someone had the exact same convictions, walked the exact same walk, and showed up perfectly in every situation and was just God honoring in every single thing that they did, what growth would be required of you? And again, I'm not insinuating that you need to go through the ringer or again compromise your faith. I'm absolutely not saying that. Um, if this person is pulling you away from God, I think that speaks volumes, but your partner may show up differently in their walk than you, and you have to have discernment to know, like, okay, is this person unequally yoked with me? Is this person, you know, is this someone that I'm not supposed to, you know, be with? Or is this an opportunity to grow in patience, to grow in kindness, for me to grow in my prayer life, for me to see things differently. Because I've found myself praying about things that like once certain scales were removed from my eyes, I was like, oh, that's not even you know an issue for real. Or this person's perspective on this, actually, I kind of agree with their perspective. So, you know, I it's hard to give specific examples because I think everyone should have their own discernment in their own relationship with the Lord where you know what you're called to deal with or what you're called um to encounter and what you're not called to encounter, what you're not graced for. Um, and again, I never want to kind of influence people one way or the other, but that's just something I learned is that you know, I'm just not responsible for his sanctification, and he's not responsible for my sanctification. And frankly, I think sometimes when we start to feel like we are responsible, um, it's creates a sense of pride. It like it really does plant this ugly seed of pride where we are unable to remove the log from our own eye because we're too busy pointing out the specs. And if anything, if there's any takeaway from this episode, being in a relationship has revealed some major logs. I did not realize how many logs were in my eyes. Um, like dang, I've been, you know, kind of walking around blind, low-key. Um, but yeah, I think that's all I want to say on that one. Okay, so my second lesson is seek wise counsel slash correction. And for this one, I noted Proverbs 12, but I kind of wanted to jump around. Honestly, all of Proverbs will get you together. Um, but I just want to jump around 12 specifically. So in Proverbs 12:1, it says, To learn, you must love discipline. It is stupid to hate correction. And I also want to go to Proverbs 12, 18, where it says, Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing. So pretty much um in Proverbs 12, it kind of goes back and forth um between the words of the wicked versus the words of the wise. And when I say um seek wise counsel or correction, I do think everyone should have like a mentor or have like some form of discipleship with someone older than you and wiser than you for sure. And even like talking to other couples um who have been married for a while is helpful, but I wanted to go even deeper and talk about like your friends or the people that you're regularly talking to about your relationship. I think that's more important than anything, and that's one thing I've learned is that a lot of people mean well, but a lot of people have very worldly views of relationships, and I think with social media and just the spaces that have been created to discuss relationships, the amount of spaces that have been created to discuss relationships, people can be godly and be wise in their perspective and still have a worldly perspective of relationships. And before I get into like what that means, or you might ask, like, okay, what do I mean by worldly perspective? Well, what does the Bible say about relationships? What does the Bible say about love? We can go to 1 Corinthians 4 through 8. Love is patient and kind, love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude, it does not demand its own way, it is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance. Now there's a lot there, but I'll give like an example, a hypothetical example. You know, it says it keeps no record of being wronged. You may be arguing, you know, with your partner, and you may want to bring something up from, you know, a month ago that you've already forgiven them for, but you feel like it, you know, it plays into what you're arguing about now. If you're talking to someone who, again, may be a godly friend, but maybe, you know, doesn't know that specific scripture very well or has a worldly perspective of relationships, they may encourage you to, yeah, bring that up, throw it in their face. Like, you know, it just adds to your argument. And again, I think it emphasizes worldly. Again, when we hear worldly, I think we automatically think of a negative connotation. And I'm not trying to be the annoying of like, oh, this is the world and everything is the world, but when I say worldly, I simply mean anything that is set apart, like not. I'm struggling to even find a definition. The opposite of worldly would be set apart, and I think what I'm trying to say is that the way that we're called to live our lives is going to look crazy in a lot of other people's eyes. It's going to look weird to a lot of other people. It's going to seem foreign to a lot of other people. It may seem foreign to even you because your flesh may want to do something opposite. Um, and so I say that to say, especially in relationships, especially in romantic relationships, some of the ways that you may operate yourself or the way you may function if you're dating in a way that is God's way and is honoring to the Lord, it's going to look um maybe weird to other people. Or they may side-eye you and be like, you really finna, you know, put up with that, or you really finna, and I even hesitate to say, like, this is not me endorsing certain things. I'm not going to get into details because y'all know what I mean. This is not me endorsing just putting up with whatever. But again, I think the way again you operate arguments, the way you handle conflict, the way you have discussions, the way you talk to each other, it should and will look different than how other people may be accustomed to dealing with their partner and what they choose to quote unquote put up with. And again, I think you really need really solid people around you, even if it's just one or two people that you can go to and talk about these things. If you're frustrated with your person, um, if you don't know how to navigate a specific conversation, you need to make sure that you're going to the right people. And again, like, yes, mentors are important, discipleships are important, but I don't know about y'all, but I'm not meeting with my mentor like you know, every single week or every day. We probably meet like once a month, if that. And probably need to uh increase that or not, I think about it. I think it's been a month, anyways. Um, I think what's more important is the people that you regularly have around you and who you're regularly going to about your business. And this can apply to anything, whether you're in a relationship or even if you're like dating and like still getting to know someone, I think having someone wise to kind of bounce ideas off of or talk to about or bring up like, hey, they said this, I don't know how to address this, or they did this. What do you think about that? Having the right person to go to is so important because it is so easy if especially if you're an overthinking, overthinker, to have a seed planted that eventually just grows into something that wasn't ever meant to be blossomed by just talking to the wrong people. This reminds me of I recently watched a video, and I know the girl's name is Courtney, but I can't think of her last name. She's from the To My Sisters podcast, but she made a whole video on pretty much like talking about things prematurely or talking about plans to the wrong people. And I don't know what made me watch it because I was just like, Yeah, I get it. Like, you know, you want to be careful who you say things to or you want to tame your tongue. But she said something that was just so like pivotal for me. She talked about how sometimes God will tell us things and we'll go with other people to like check on what he told us. Instead of going to people going to wise counsel and saying, like, hey, God told me this. Can you help me kind of execute this? Or what should I do moving forward with this idea? We kind of check with them and be like, Did God really say this? And oftentimes it's our lack of faith that causes us to do that because we're like, you know, I know God told me to do this, but I don't know if I can really do this. So I really need to talk to someone else to see if this is crazy. And the problem with that is people are not God, and so you may have someone who's wise and means well, but they give you terrible advice because they don't they don't have the eyes to see things the way that God sees it and the way that hopefully he puts in your vision in a way to see. Um, I phrase that very weird, but essentially, you know, when God tells you to do something, if you know for sure he told you to do it, there's no need to go to people and be like, Did God really say to do this? Or I don't know if he really, you know, I don't know if I should do this. You need to be going to people who you trust and saying, How do I execute this plan? God told me to do this. Now give me the tips on how I can actually make this happen and do this. And so I brought up that example because oftentimes I think, especially in relationships and in the culture that we live in right now, where there's so many, like, how to know if this person is the one, and you know, is this person your person? And, you know, did you pray about did you did you pray the prayer of like if there's not they're not my person, remove them and all of this stuff where people are kind of like encouraging you to question um if this person is your person? I think it's well meaning, but a lot of it can be over. Overkill, especially for people who already have anxiety. But I think in this culture it's so important to know what the Lord says, like to hear from him and him alone most of the time. Um, going to people, you know, about how to navigate things is great, but I think definitely you need to cultivate your own relationship with the Lord and know what he's saying. I think if you're someone who tends to isolate, definitely bring others in. I think it's really important to have community. And you know, some people like the phrase date in community. Um, I think that is important. But when it comes to like the foundational things, you need to know what the Lord told you. And someone could give their advice, someone could give their two cents, but at the end of the day, you gotta take it to the Lord and know what he's telling you, and if he is actually telling you that thing, or if it's you wanting to hear something, or maybe the other person misunderstanding because that happens, but I kind of got off track. My whole point was it's important to surround yourself with wise people who see things through the lens um of holiness and righteousness and wanting to be more like him. Um yeah, and I think before I move on to my last point, um, social media, this is just extra because I somehow I forgot to write this down. Social media is just, y'all, we gotta increase the social media fast. We have to. Um, I'm speaking to myself as well. That's something that I've implemented regularly in this past year is taking two days a week off of social media. But I promise when it comes to relationships, being off of social media does wonders. I remember this comment um under it was some post, I don't remember what it was, but this girl was saying how she was dating someone and they broke up, and when she got off social media, like they had started dating again, and they ended up getting married and had a beautiful relationship, and she was like, I realized social media was the problem. And this is not your sign to get back with your ex. I'm not endorsing that. Um, take it to the Lord. But my point is that being on social media, at least for me, is not healthy when it comes to relationships. There's just too much information, there's too much content. If it's not comparison, it's questioning. If it's not questioning, you know, it's this is what this should happen. This is what this should happen, and you know, you see this person happening in this timeline, and this is happening this way, and this is what you should do, and this is why this person isn't the one. Like, it's too much, it's too much. Um, yeah, those two days off social media week has already done wonders for me. It's about that time for me to take another month break, but um, I will say that when it comes to dating and relationships, and I touched on this in my last episode, you gotta get off the substacks, you gotta get off the the you know paragraphs about why, you know, every single person in a relationship is settling. Like, there's actually people who are who think this way, and there's actually people who again feel very discouraged and maybe unintentionally are spreading their discouragement and trying to make you see things in a certain way, and yeah, it's just a lot, it's just a lot. So that's just an extra caveat that I've learned is that I have to decrease my time on social media majorly. I mean majorly, and um, I don't always, I'm not always obedient with that, if I'm honest, and I feel it. I feel it when I've been on TikTok for a prolonged amount of time, I feel the it honestly, and this may have to be a whole episode on social media, but specifically looking at stuff like TikTok, it just brews something in me that is unhealthy, and I don't like it. It shifts and like warps my perspective of my own life um and the people in my life, and it sounds crazy out loud because I'm like, why do I allow it to? But I think you just when your eyes are focused on something for hours on end and you're scrolling and you're thinking it, but you're you know, absorbing all this information, it's a lot, it's a lot, and like seeds are being planted at a rapid rate, so yeah, log off. That maybe that's that's the theme of the episode is log off. Okay, lastly, I have let go of control slash enjoy your season. This is a really important one. Um, and I've already talked about me kind of being a control freak, but I think it just really can be hard to enjoy the season of dating, um, specifically as a Christian, because I think in church culture, again, there's either you're single, like you're looking for someone, or you're in the absence of a partner, or you're married, and people don't really talk about dating slash courtship. They kind of talk about it in the framework of you're deciding if this person is the one, but they don't really talk about like okay, what if you feel like you know, this person may be, you know, the person you're supposed to marry, but you're not quite ready to take that step yet. I don't know, it's it's just a weird, it's a weird place to be in. And it just reminded me of there was this Vogue article that came out a couple months ago that caused a frenzy online, and it was it was titled, Is having a boyfriend embarrassing? And you can imagine why that might cause a frenzy, but the meat of the article was that a lot of women are opting to soft launch their partners or not show their partners at all on social media or really talk about their partners, um, basically to avoid being seen as one of those boy crazy male-centered girls. And so now it almost like feels embarrassing to say my boyfriend, and I felt that I really have. Um, I think just especially at work, that just sounds very, you know, like I said, I I'm I'm gonna say my partner sometimes because it just sounds yeah, but specifically, I think there's an added layer in the Christian culture because dating is kind of like frowned upon. Um, there was this book that came out that was called like I kissed dating goodbye. It's a really old book, but you know, it did numbers on a lot of people's psyche. And just again, even in everyday like people just don't really, it's it seems like it's kind of frowned upon. And you know, people will say, like, okay, that's not your there is no boyfriend in the Bible. There, you know, there's no boyfriend or girlfriend, that's your brother in Christ, that's your sister in Christ, you know, y'all are not married yet. People love to say that, that's their favorite thing to say, and it makes, you know, dating or having a partner feel embarrassing because you're like, Well, this isn't, you know, we're not married, but you know, whatever. And I think my point in kind of talking about letting go of control and enjoying your season is to stop looking at dating as simply the absence of marriage. I think dating is frowned upon because people just look at it as a road to marriage. Um, because you should date intentionally, you should date, you know, with the idea of marriage in mind. I believe that's biblical. Um, but I don't think that I think that the Lord has designed in our generation, our society, that season for a specific reason. Um, I think with all the technology we have, and just with all the opportunities we have, there is a, or I'll phrase it this way, there is utility, big word, in the dating season. Um simply saying we don't live in a society where you, you know, get to know someone for a week or two weeks and you have to make that decision. We don't live in a society where women can no longer own their own house or live alone or pay their own bills or have a driver's license. Like, we don't live in a society where your family is just eagerly awaiting for you to be taken away, whether son or daughter, where they're eagerly awaiting for you to move out, you know, for marriage. And there are cultures where that's still a thing, and I actually don't think there's a problem with that. I think we do need to encourage, you know, people having the option to live under their parents' roof for a little bit longer and create like wealth and stability, but again, that's a whole other sidetrack. But my point is that you know, you don't have to how do I put this? Definitely if the Lord told you to do something and he and he approved you and he released you to do it, go ahead and do it. But I think the best advice I've ever heard, and one thing that I'm really experiencing in this season, is you have your whole life to be married. Like if you meet someone and you feel like that person is your person, y'all will probably spend the next 50, 60, 70 years together. So there's no need to move with haste in the couple of months or year or years that you're getting to know each other. Um definitely there's logistics as to why people in the Christian community may have shorter dating seasons. Um, and again, I feel like that would take forever to really break that down. However, I am saying that there is benefits to taking your time to get to know someone and enjoying that season of being with them in like a really not serious way. That sounds that sounds bad, but I'm not talking about sinning. Okay. I'm talking about, you know, for me, for example, um, I my relationship is long distance. As hard as it's been, because I want to be around my partner all the time. One of the most beautiful things that the Lord has allowed me to see is that I have been able to like smoothly transition into like having someone or like dating someone because I was by myself for a long time. It would have been really hard to just fully go into being in a relationship just overnight, like that would have been extremely difficult. It's nice because with being long distance, you get to spend time with your person and just enjoy their company, and then you still get your by-yourself time, and you still get to live your life, I guess, essentially, as you did before. Um and there's how do I put this in a way that just doesn't sound I don't know, who cares? Um, but there's less impacts, there's less um inconveniences that some other people may experience when they're not long distance. I'll give an example. You know, if you meet someone and you really like them, you want to hang out with them all the time. And so oftentimes what happens, a lot of people stop seeing their friends as much because their friend got into a relationship and they really care about that person. They're they're with that person all the time. And that person can no longer show up to events or show up to plans because you know, they're with their person. And when you're long distance, at least for me, it's afforded me the opportunity to really have such a good balance and like still see people all the time, still show up to events, um, still be present for my family, for my friends, the people around me, because I don't even have the option to just give all my time away to this one person. And so I use that example to illustrate that when you're dating and again you're doing things God's way, there's this beautiful kind of opportunity to build a really, really sweet friendship with someone that you're attracted to. And again, it's not that serious. Y'all don't have joint bank accounts, you don't have to go home to each other every day, like you don't have all of the things, all of the serious adult things that come with marriage are not there. Now, yes, there's other things, and again, that's why I think it's important not to look at just dating as the absence of marriage. Like, there's benefits in marriage that don't necessarily come in dating, but you once you start seeing the benefits of that season, it starts to open your eyes to why the Lord has you in that season in the time that he has you in that season. Um, and so again, just to drive the point home, I think it's so important not to look at it as just the absence of marriage because there really is no rush. I mean, again, that's that may sound controversial to people, but don't let social media and people convince you that you have to move with haste. That, you know, just because quote-unquote dating is not in the Bible means that the Lord, you know, looks down upon it for some reason. Like, no, I believe if you are doing things his way, you know, he will honor you in that season. And I believe he will honor the relationship in that season um and allow you to build a again, what is essentially a really, really sweet friendship um that hopefully blossoms into something more. But there's just there's so many benefits that comes with kind of being able to get to know someone, enjoy their company, and not necessarily be in covenant with them. Because covenant is serious, and you know, there is a season, there's a time for everything. Um, but this season is cool too. It's a nice season, so yeah. Um, I think I'm gonna wrap it up there. I hope that you all enjoy this. I hope that you know, whoever specifically needs to hear this hears this. And I want to end on a scripture um in my God's promises for your every need book. This is Colossians 3, 23 through 24. I just randomly turned to the scripture. It says, and whatever you do, do it heartily as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance for you serve the Lord Christ. So, yeah. Uh also side note, I'm gonna put the link for um mail mail in my bio in case you want to send something, um, send a topic, uh, send me a message. Definitely gonna put that, and then I'm also gonna leave my Cash App in the um bio as well, in case you'd like to throw something my way. But yeah, all right, love you guys.